that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
