Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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