I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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