My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
