I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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