so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
