No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
