His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
