She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
