I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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