All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
