I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
