If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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