he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
