i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
