My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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