I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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