Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
