I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
