clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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