She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
