at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
