Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
