Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
