hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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