Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
