cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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