I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
