Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
