I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
