saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
