Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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