She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
