I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
