i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
