I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
