I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
