I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
