With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
