Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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