If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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