He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
