I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
