He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
