so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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