I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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