I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
