My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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