I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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