Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
