just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
