4 words: hood of his car
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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